I have to let go now....... As all visionaires I've been hated and loved. Single-mindedness is not a popular thing to be up close with. It is adored in the world in the form of rock-star worship or movie star worship or CEO worship, but being up close to a single-minded person dedicated to his or her commitment to their place and business in the world is not very popular among those who haven't done that with their lives.
So now I face my death as this dedicated, single-minded person and now I have to learn to let go and "put it all in God's hands", as they say, and stop the anger and feelings of betrayal and pain at the hands of others. That is their business; not mine. There are still unresolved issues that I would like to resolve with people close to me. This is not easy nor possibly possible, but I'd like it to happen if it can. I've been through "talk theraspy" and alternative therapy, a trip to Mexico in hopes of a method to cure this disease that I have now carried for just about a year.
Strange, now, that particular possible cure is finally being "studied" in this country. Well it doesn't always work and it didn't work, so here we are back in the establishment trying to deal with this thing and given a year. possibly two to live. I have been severely depressed and restless about it all, but I think now I am coming out of it, I hope and pray. Living with this tiredness and easily brusing is tough on someone like myself who has thrived on physical activity all my life. So I find myself wanting to run, I've always run to keep myself sane. Run from sickness, run from emotional pain. "Run" meant maybe a ride up the coast highway in California where I spent so much of my life. I remember borrowing a Porsche from a woman I knew and taking a lovely, very fast ride up that highway. The Porsche belonged to one of the women the madmen killed along with others . Manson, his name was.
The night they killed my friends, I had a terrible nightmare of a head hanging on the side of the bed bloody and disembodied. It was so frightening, I got out of bed and had Wulf put a dresser and other things against our door to prevent anyone entering. The next morning I awoke to the insanity of those brutal, horrible acts. Later, after we had the communal thing going for a long time I discovered seemingly sane young people who loved the Manson gang! Strange that most of those I ran across, sometimes after years of living with them and not knowing about their adoration of those maniacs, most were from wealthy families. Does that say something? Nothing I'm interested in talking about right now, but an interesting socio/psychological problem right? The love of violence and brutality and the killing of those they must envy or hate.
Anger, resentment........ resentment someone said, not anger, was the real problem. Anger is natural and part of our arsenal for survival, but resentment seethes and destroys the very soul of someone. And I know those that carry that resentment towards me will suffer terribly for it. I have found in myself that resentment coming and going since I've been sick and I don't like it, but haven't got hold of it yet. This is a journey on a road to enlightenment and it doesn't look like anything I'd imagined. The lovely nurse who comes regularly said, this sickness was just a "pothole". Lovely to be true.
"There is no escape from pain, there is only the possibility of pleasure.........." Wulf Zendik
Dearest Arol,
I am so sorry to hear that you are not well. I have been following the teachings of you all there at Zendik Farm since 1989 when I purchased a magazine put out by you in Providence, RI for a meager $1.00 donation. I began researching about the farm then & it is lovely to see that you have advanced very well. I heard about Wulf's passing at the time it happened & even though I was very sad about it, I was glad that, in a way, I got to know him & his teachings. I have recently purchased his book & other items from your online store as original copies I had before got lost in a past move. I am looking forward to re-reading his book from the "unheard" Beat Poet as he helped me to become a much more selfless person at a time in my life when drug-addiction was taking over. I am currently also studying at the University of Metaphysical Sciences & am hoping one day to be able to help others as you & Wulf have. As to your recent journey- Look around you. Everywhere you are surrounded by people who adore you as well as me. Although I cannot take away your pain, I can help you let go by giving you the love that you need to continue down your journey. My email address is in my order thru your store on your website. Please feel free to contact me anytime.
love & blessings,
johnny freedom
Posted by: Johnny Perrucci | 08/26/2011 at 03:42 PM